Araweelo Abroad is proud to announce our new advice column: Ask an Abaayo. Readers are welcome to submit questions to our email inbox. For this inaugiral round we asked our friends and family to reach out to people in their circles to submit. You are free to use either your real name, a pen name, or to ask for advice anonymously. So fam, whether you’re having love problems, school issues, or an existential crisis – feel free to write ya girls and ask for advice. After all, if you can’t ask your abaayo then who can you ask?
Hi Araweelo Abroad,
Super excited that the magazine is doing this column. Love what you do pls keep it up! Anyways, I’m writing because I have this issue that I am not sure how to resolve. I graduated college this year and since graduation I have noticed that a friend that I was super close with isn’t really reaching out to me as much. I always see her out with our other friends from college but I’ve noticed that she isn’t really hitting me up like she used to. I’m hurt because we were super tight thru college and we didn’t get into a fight or anything so I’m not sure why she’s behaving like this. I am trying to figure out what to do. How do I confront her about her sus ass behavior without making it seem like I’m being extra?
First off, thanks so much for the kind words! We really appreciate your support. So sorry that you’re dealing with an absent friend. It’s good that you have picked up on your friend’s behavior and can recognize that her actions are hurtful. Realizing how other’s actions are impacting your feelings or mood is always an indicator that you’re in tune with yourself. A good second step might be to try reaching out to this friend and inviting her for one-on-one coffee so that you can catch up. Maybe let your friend know that you miss her and would like to know how she’s doing post-graduation. It’s unfortunate, but people who were tight while at uni together or working at the same job sometimes do grow apart after you are no longer in close proximity together on a regular basis. Growing apart is a total bummer but also a natural part of life.
If you’re still committed to being friends with your uni friend and are willing to make time for her despite how she’s been treating you, then you’ve determined that she matters to you. So, if she does take you up on your offer to get coffee maybe you can gently bring up how you’ve been feeling. Sometimes people are honestly not aware of how they’re treating those around them. By bringing this issue to her attention, you can determine whether that’s the case or whether she’s just not interested in your friendship. If she’s just being absentminded then you alerting her to how you’ve been feeling will probably lead her to try harder and to be aware of her actions going forward. Based off of her reaction at coffee, then you can determine whether you want to continue to make time for your friendship or if you should just move on. Just like romantic relationships, friendships only feel good when you both put in the effort and genuinely want to be around one another.
good luck boo,
I wasn’t really sure where to take this thing I’m dealing with because my friends are lowkey very judgey…Basically, I’m queer. I didn’t admit it to myself for the longest while but I've put in a lot of work to deal with my internalised crap. That’s not the issue though - I want to start dating but I’m afraid that my friends won't be accepting of it. Obviously, our community is really homophobic but the issue isn’t that my friends don’t know that I’m queer, they do. But knowing that I’m queer and then seeing me date other queer people are two different things. How do I go about this?
Thanks so much for writing us. Congrats on being able to work through some of your internalized stuff and congrats on moving towards loving all of you. We’re super bummed that you’re dealing with “judgy” homies. We agree that our community is problematic and homophobic af. We are glad that you felt comfortable enough to decide that your friends should know about your queer identity. That shows some level of comfort with them at least (if we’re being posi).
While we can’t tell you exactly what to do because we’re not in your shoes, we can say that you 100% deserve to have homies that celebrate you and are down for you. If you think your friends will judge you for being queer and dating other queer folks, then it might be worth asking yourself whether it’s worth sticking around. Your queer identity is a part of who you are and it’s non-negotiable. It might be corny to say but if your friends can’t accept all of you, then they don’t deserve you. Also, remember that you should only do what you feel comfortable with and you should trust your intuition. We sincerely hope that if you do disclose to your friends that you’re ready to start dating that they are happy for you like good homies are supposed to be.
p.s. write us back if you need to be connected to any support groups/resources! <3